Your Horoscope For Today Lyrics

Your Horoscope For Today lyrics

AQUARIUS!  

 There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes  

 to the back of a speeding bus  

 Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-  

 Mole 17 hours a day  

  

 PISCES!  

 Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus  

 You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what  

 those idiots at work say  

  

 ARIES!  

 The look on your face will be priceless when you find  

 that 40-pound watermelon in your colon  

 Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a  

 hickey to Meryl Streep  

  

 TAURUS!  

 You will never find true happiness - what you gonna  

 do, cry about it?  

 The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch  

 of stuff and then go back to sleep  

  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

  

 GEMINI!  

 Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your  

 explosive flatulence  

 Your love life will run into trouble your fiance  

 hurls a javelin through your chest  

  

 CANCER!  

 The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the  

 rest of the week face down in the mud  

 Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while  

 taking your driver's test  

  

 LEO!  

 Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and  

 staple it to your boss's face, oh no  

 Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it  

 down with a gallon of strawberry Quik  

  

 VIRGO!  

 All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -  

 except for you  

 Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with  

 your head impaled upon a stick  

  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

  

 Now you may find it inconceivable or at the very least  

 a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets  

 and the stars could have a special deep significance or  

 meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but let  

 me give you my assurance that these forecasts and  

 predictions are all based on solid, scientific, documented  

 evidence, so you would have to be some kind of  

 moron not to realize that every single one of them is  

 absolutely true.  

  

 Where was I?  

  

 LIBRA!  

 A big promotion is just around the corner for someone  

 much more talented than you  

 Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that  

 when your appendix bursts next week  

  

 SCORPIO!  

 Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall  

 screaming from an open window  

 Work a little bit harder on improving your  

 low self esteem, you stupid freak  

  

 SAGITTARIUS!  

 All your friends are laughing behind your back...  

 kill them  

 Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine  

 you've got hanging in your den  

  

 CAPRICORN!  

 The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful  

 person... but you know they're lying  

 If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never  

 never never never never leave my house again  

  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today  

 That's your horoscope for today