Asshole Lyrics

Asshole lyrics

[Spoken]
Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream. About me.
About you. The way our American hearts beat down in the bottom of our chests.
About the special
feeling we get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below
the cockles, maybe in the sub-cockle area. Maybe in the liver. Maybe in the
kidneys. Maybe even in the colon,
we don't know.

I'm just a regular
Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like
football and porno and books about war
I've got an average house with a nic
hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my
table, and a cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough to keep a
man like me interested
(Oh no) No Way (Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and
have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah) Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people
behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an
asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use
public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying,
"How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an
asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes
I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped
faces

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an
asshole (He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this
song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they
tell me I'm wrong

Naaaah!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole, what
an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest
asshole)

[Spoken]
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get myself a
1967 Cadillac El Dorado convertible, hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all
leather cow interior and big brown
baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah! And
I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115mph getting one mile per gallon,
sucking down quarter pounder cheese burgers from
McDonald's in the
old-fashioned non-biodegradable styrofoam containers and when I'm done sucking
down those grease ball burgers, I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the
American
flag and then I'm gonna toss the styrofoam container right out the side and
there ain't a God damned thing anybody can do about it. YOu know why?
Because
we got the bombs, that's why.

[Spoken]
Two words. Nuclear
fucking weapons, okay?! Russia, Germany, Romania - they can have all the
Democracy they want. They can have a big democracy cake-walk
right through
the middle of Tiananmen square and it won't make a lick of difference because
we've got the bombs, okay?! John Wayne's not dead - he's frozen. And as
soon
as we find the cure for cancer we're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be
pretty pissed off. You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?
Well
multiple that by 15-million times, that's how pissed off the Duke's
gonna be. I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes...
(Hey)
and Lee
Marvin
(Hey)
and Sam Pekinpah
(Hey)
And a case of Whiskey and drive
down to Texas...
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you
just shut-up and sing the song pal!

I'm an asshole (He's an asshole,
what an asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest
asshole)

A-S-S-H-O-L-E Everybody! A-S-S-H-O-L-E

[Barking]
Arf
Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf Arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Oooh
Oooh

[Spoken]
I'm an asshole and proud of it!